For about 7 days I had felt completely run-down and unmotivated... a bit sad and quite in need of a more positive outlook on my life... The last couple days have been better but I wonder why I still have such a funk? Is it associated with Post Partum or is it just me?
I think I could, at times, be found clinically depressed... My mom visited from out of town last weekend and I didnt even want to get out of bed... I was suffering from severe migraines (Which I was told by the ER doctor were stress related), I was feeling EXTREMELY depressed and hopeless.. Then on top of the emotional pain I fell and hurt my back, and then managed to develop an ingrown toe-nail! WTF!?
These symptoms have seemed to develop around the time of my period and I wonder if anyone else has experienced these extreme mood changes post partum? Its like my hormones are out of control... I ended up having an undeniable anxiety attack which lasted nearly all night..
My heart hurts because when I feel like this, I feel like the worst possible mom.. I want to play and teach and explore the world with my son but it can be so difficult for me sometimes and I am afraid I'm the only one.. And then I just get frustrated.. with myself, with Jackson... its just not fair because motherhood is my whole existence...
I have so many worries... I worry all day every day.. about Jackson, money, food, chores, errands... my own health is deteriorating I can tell... Migraines, toothaches, back problems, vision changes... But I have no insurance for myself and feel like there is nothing I can do to feel better... I've put myself on the back burner so long that I just dont feel like I exist anymore and sometimes when I think about that I sob...
Dont get me wrong.. I gladly give up EVERYTHING for Jackson because he is my everything, but I hate that I cant remember who I was sometimes.. my sense of style, my motivation to run, my desire to cook and create jewelry.. Where did it all go and how do I get it back? I feel so alone most of the time and I feel selfish when I ask for a break and honestly I rarely get it... No one truly offers me a break from my 24/7 job of being a mom...
It is not easy spending day in and day out entertaining an infant and having your only conversations be via IG or FB... I see all these moms who get dolled up and go out and have fun... I dont understand how they do it... I wish we even had the money to "go out".... We count pennies a week after payday.... Its just not fair... Kenny works his ass off and we barely make it... I wish we were better off financially and that I could spend one day not worrying about tomorrow...
I'm sorry for the glum post but I just need to let out what I'm feeling lately... I could really use words of positivity lately... I'm in that place where days are melding together and I begin to think "what is it all for?" I'm so afraid we will always be in a rut and my son will have to go without things which makes me break inside...
I'm just a mother who is trying to do all the right things for my child... I just want to feel happiness and joy more often than not... And I would do anything for the worry to flutter away just for a moment so I can take a deep breath....
xoxo
SaraH
