Emotional Re-Stability?

For about 7 days I had felt completely run-down and unmotivated... a bit sad and quite in need of a more positive outlook on my life... The last couple days have been better but I wonder why I still have such a funk? Is it associated with Post Partum or is it just me?

I think I could, at times, be found clinically depressed... My mom visited from out of town last weekend and I didnt even want to get out of bed... I was suffering from severe migraines (Which I was told by the ER doctor were stress related), I was feeling EXTREMELY depressed and hopeless.. Then on top of the emotional pain I fell and hurt my back, and then managed to develop an ingrown toe-nail! WTF!?

These symptoms have seemed to develop around the time of my period and I wonder if anyone else has experienced these extreme mood changes post partum? Its like my hormones are out of control... I ended up having an undeniable anxiety attack which lasted nearly all night.. 

My heart hurts because when I feel like this, I feel like the worst possible mom.. I want to play and teach and explore the world with my son but it can be so difficult for me sometimes and I am afraid I'm the only one.. And then I just get frustrated.. with myself, with Jackson... its just not fair because motherhood is my whole existence... 

I have so many worries... I worry all day every day.. about Jackson, money, food, chores, errands... my own health is deteriorating I can tell... Migraines, toothaches, back problems, vision changes... But I have no insurance for myself and feel like there is nothing I can do to feel better... I've put myself on the back burner so long that I just dont feel like I exist anymore and sometimes when I think about that I sob... 

Dont get me wrong.. I gladly give up EVERYTHING for Jackson because he is my everything, but I hate that I cant remember who I was sometimes.. my sense of style, my motivation to run, my desire to cook and create jewelry.. Where did it all go and how do I get it back? I feel so alone most of the time and I feel selfish when I ask for a break and honestly I rarely get it... No one truly offers me a break from my 24/7 job of being a mom... 

It is not easy spending day in and day out entertaining an infant and having your only conversations be via IG or FB... I see all these moms who get dolled up and go out and have fun... I dont understand how they do it... I wish we even had the money to "go out".... We count pennies a week after payday.... Its just not fair... Kenny works his ass off and we barely make it... I wish we were better off financially and that I could spend one day not worrying about tomorrow...

I'm sorry for the glum post but I just need to let out what I'm feeling lately... I could really use words of positivity lately... I'm in that place where days are melding together and I begin to think "what is it all for?" I'm so afraid we will always be in a rut and my son will have to go without things which makes me break inside... 

I'm just a mother who is trying to do all the right things for my child... I just want to feel happiness and joy more often than not... And I would do anything for the worry to flutter away just for a moment so I can take a deep breath....

xoxo
SaraH

Mothers Day?

I don't know if I just put too much pressure on the day, but its safe to say I was a bit disappointed....

I really wanted to have a memorable Mothers Day... I wasnt expecting anything specific but it being my first Mothers Day I wanted to remember it fondly.. Not in a vain sort of way but in a "I'm so proud of being a mom and I work so hard to be a great one that I hope I can be shown how much I'm appreciated" kind of way, because let's face it, as a stay at home mom, you rarely feel appreciated by those around you.. Jackson can't tell me that and Kenny rarely does... His appreciation comes in the form of eating a full plate of the dinner I managed to cook... 

I wasnt with Kenny on Mothers Day, I was out of town visiting my Mommy... Though if I was home, I dont expect I would have a much of a different day as Kenny has never been much for gift giving or really celebrating any kind of holiday... I rarely receive christmas or birthday gifts... (He grew up as a Jehovahs Witness)

Kenny called me first thing Sunday morning to wish me a Happy Mothers Day but I didnt talk to him much the rest of the day and we didnt do much either. It was nice to relax and be a bit lazy but as the day progressed I began to feel a bit sad... I can't even explain why.. Was it the lack of attention? Was it the lack of Kenny? What was it? 

I saw all my amazing friends on Instagram and Facebook posting photos of their amazing bouquet of flowers or talking about their dinner dates.. I felt so jealous...

I crawled into bed that night with Jackson and knew that all that mattered was him.. Just him... But I also knew why I was sad... I never received a single card or item to say "Hey, this is your first Mothers Day". Nothing to remember the day, to show that I'm part of the Mommy Day club... It made me break down in tears... I went into the living room and my mom said "Did you have a good Mothers Day?" I said yes but ended up crying my eyes out to her... She apologized and said she wished she could have made it better or she should have bought me a card.. I told her no, it was NOT her responsibility or necessity to do that, I just wished Kenny understood the significance of the day the way I did...

I crawled back into bed and was just falling asleep when I heard my mom come in... she gave me a kiss and handed me this....

She made everything right in the world just like that... I then realized what it meant to be a mom... She showed me that no matter what, you are always going to be a mom... Its a job that never ends and you will ALWAYS go out of your way to be the best at that job.. Im so grateful for my mom.. she shows me every day what it means to be a mom!

I hate that I will remember the day as a bit of a disappointment but I will ALWAYS consider this to be the BEST Mothers Day gift I ever received.... It meant more than any flowers or generic card...

So heres to my 2nd Mothers Day! lol I know it only gets better and better! And all I feel is shame for feeling so negative on a day when I should just be grateful for being Jacksons Mommy!

I hope everyone had a great Mothers Day! Being a Mom means so much more than just a day.. But it sure is nice to get a little extra appreciation for all your hard work, even if it is just for a day...

xoxo
SaraH

Mommy "style"

I use the word "style" loosely these days and its hard to even feel like I have much of it these days... My body has transformed into a mushy, wide and frankly, uncomfortable version of itself since Jackson was born...

I continue to hope that I'll start to feel a bit more confident with my 'new' body and I am CONSTANTLY telling myself... "you just had a baby 4,5,6 months ago.." Its hard to give yourself a break though, trust me I know.. I miss my old wardrobe and am regretting that I sold a lot of it while I was pregnant... "Oh I'll never wear this after the baby is born".... Damn

When Jackson was first born I spent most of my time in over-sized sweats and T-shirts... I literally didnt get "dressed" except to take Jax to a doctors appointment and for my OBGYN appointment... When I did get a bit more "put together" it was a lot of my old maternity clothes... Loose flowing and easy...

 

One technique that I used a lot while its still nice and cool outside is relying on scarves, they sort of take the eye away from my hips and mid-section.. And it just helps me feel a bit more covered up so I'm not so self-conscious! 

Peplums and Blazers also helped to offer a bit of camouflage for my discomfort in my my mid-section and even my arms :-( And as i started losing a bit more weight I've been doing the synched waist again

 After just having Jackson, I went to old navy and bought a bunch of size 12 pants! They were the only ones that fit my waist but didnt fit my legs so I spent a lot of time walking around with a loose crotch and saggy but while constantly pulling at my pants.. Needless to say I was not comfortable and would try almost every day to see if ANY of my old pants fit again yet... Usually not...

It may sound kind of crazy but a lot of times just putting a face of makeup on can make ALL the difference! (I know how can you do that with a new baby).. Its not always possible, trust me I have days where I'm DETERMINED to get makeup on my face but Jax has final say.. lol

I worked really hard at getting my figure back. Spent as much time as I could either at the gym in my apartment complex or doing Jillian Michaels video's on my living room floor while Jackson watched me and giggled!

 Unfortunately since I've moved I can't really work out the way I used to and I've noticed a big different :-( Its hard to work out on a hard service at my house and the gym here doesnt offer much room for my usual aerobic routine... 

Today Kenny came home and I REALLY wanted to go work out a little (only time I can work out is when Kenny is here because Jackson's stroller doesnt even fit in there) but he had me a little let down when he decided he was going to go hit golf balls... Ugh... Luckily when he came home he offered to feed and bathe Jackson so I got to run about a mile and a half!

So my point is now that I'm still not very comfortable with my body.. I finally do fit into some of my old clothes but definitely not like I used too and definitely not to a point where I'm feeling "comfortable and confident"... More like crap, I got them on, now what shirt can I wear to cover the muffin top!?

I have done hardly ANY shopping since having the baby so most stuff I wear is stuff that I wore before Jax or while I was pregnant with him.. Point being, dont go out and but a whole new wardrobe if you cant afford it! You can put outfits together with things you have that can still make you feel put together.. and on some days dare I say I even feel pretty! lol Here are some more past outfits for ideas to mix and match (and cover)... lol Hope this helps!

XOXO, SaraH


 

Cover contest!

http://www.parents.com/photos/parents-cover-contest-2013/2013-05-06/xkui?esrc=nwphotofaves_ppcc2013

Please vote for my sweet little Jax!

Mommys dont get sick... ever

Dear God what would men do without us?
Yesterday and today I have somehow developed a thing called... ALLERGIES! My head is stuffy, my nose is dry.... BOOOOO... But, yay for me, it escalated to a full on fever! 100.2 
I never get sick... I never feel affected by the latest bug or allergy... Now Im fighting a fever, an allergy attack and my own anxiety because I just hate being sick!

I wonder if anyones husband is really available when you feel yucky... Kenny tried his best but I spend the evening picking out dinner, showing how Jax eats dinner, drawing his bath, fixing his bottle and now hes asleep in my arms....So when does mommy get a break? I quickly realized that Im not allowed to be sick...and I dont get a "break"

I love my hubby to death but when it comes to everyday life he could care less what i do.. Not because hes a jerk or anything, he just doesn't understand what it takes to do the dishes, laundry, dusting, sweeping.... lol until I became sick and left the chores off of the "to do" list for 1.... ONE day.....

He has now learned how MESSY he is... ONE DAY and he literally said to me "It looks like my clothes jumped off my body"... yes, I see piles of where he got undressed every day.. lol

The tough part  is when you feel like youre not an effective mommy... I'm sick.. 
Im tired
But its almost as if he thinks i'm lying... like I'm making excuses to get out of taking care of the baby... he rolls his eyes when I say, hey i'm in pain... (not only am I sick with a fever I'm cramping from my damn period)... Dad's dont get it.. 

Well rent is paid and hes currently out buying more formula even thought he said he didnt want too... I guess I kind of won the batte. lol but I would do anything to break this fever... ugh.. 

prayers for me would be nice... but PLEASE, before me, say prayers for my friend Laura Mussleman, whos mother passed away on wednesday.. 
All my love,

xoxo
SaraH

I'm a terrible mother!

Everyone else seems to know best.. Everyone else has "been there done that" Everyone else has "advice"... Isnt that so fucking annoying? Thought so...

I just wonder what level of "crappy" motherhood you have to reach to end up with so much ridiculous advice! 

My kid will survive through the following bits of shitty "mommy expert" advice:

- Socks dont match
- Doing your childs science project (because who has time to take care of them if theyre suspended)
- OMG youre not feeding your child organic or homeade food?
- How dare you let your child have dirt in their hand
- Is he at the right weight percentile.. God forbid youre a shitty enough parent to underfeed your child... jeeze
- YOURE NOT BREAST FEEEEEEEDDDDDIIINNNGGG???????
- Dont you dare let them have blankets in the crib
- Powder is toxic... shampoo is toxic... EVERYTHING IS TOXIC
- Never put the baby on their tummy...
- Put that quarter in their belly button other wise they'll be deformed
- Oh God, they havent had all their vaccinations!!??
- Your mouth doesnt disinfect pacifiers
- He should be on YOUR schedule... (lol)
- You didnt get rid of the CAT!!???
- OMG he's not sleeping through the night?

I get that some things are implemented for reason... But I wonder why we are parenting bad enough that we need ridiculous guidelines!?

Everyone is an expert... and most of the time the experts arent mom's! What I can say about motherhood for sure is that its never Right or Wrong.. Its you... you as a mom who makes sense of the child you have... He or she expects that of you and the thing is... when theyre yours, you can deliver exactly what they need! Our job as co existing moms, isnt to judge each other.. its to help each other.. 

My great friend Lori rocked my son to sleep in her arms the other day and said, "I hope this is ok because I would be upset if my son seemed to be more calm with another mom" 

I now rock my son to sleep just like she did when he wont relax... because she showed me a new technique.. We dont always have the answers but there is a way to be constructive and thats what we need as mommys... CONSTRUCTION! 

In doing the research necessary for this blog I spoke to the most AMAZING mom's who have had the worst types of judgement... My mom is included in that lot... She showed me how much times have changed...

However many books we read, and however many you tube videos we watch I think its safe to say that we are mom... we know best... It may not be standard procedure or up to code in the mommyhood handbook but I can assure that we know best... lets give ourselves and each other a break! We are on the same team... 

How did anyone ever survive without recalls, drug scares..... internet!!!???? 

Give it a rest... If someone wants to put rum on their childs gums, let them do their thing... Theres a difference between child abuse and doing what you have to do to keep your sanity!!!!!! 

 xoxo
SaraH

Mommy Juice

Alright guys, I'm not going to pretend to eat healthy because... well.. I dont... The only way I can describe my eating habits is that whatever I can throw together quietly while Jackson sleeps is what I eat (no microwave, no loud plastic packaging etc)... And If I cant make it in under 90 seconds while he's awake then forget it...

Buuuuut, since Jackson has been on a pretty comfortable schedule lately I've decided to do a little meal planning.... I eat the same thing for breakfast, snack and lunch every day so my meal planning is pretty much just for dinner...

So, basically I've planned out dinner for the next 3 weeks to make grocery shopping easier and be more efficient financially... I must also say that when I became pregnant I could no longer work in my field and put myself on EBT (food stamps) from which I get $200 a month (please advise, this is not going to be an argument about food stamps so if you have opinions about it we can discuss it another time)....

I'm trying to eat more clean lately so I made it a point to NOT buy anything frozen, fatty or unnecessary... (I have a habit of buying things like hot pockets, frozen burritos etc...)

While I was pregnant I craved nothing but fruit and vegetables! I ate so very healthy but that has quickly crumbled simply because its difficult to put together fully healthy meals every day as a stay at home mom... or maybe not

I basically opted for pretty simple meals throughout the next three weeks... Spagetti, taco salads, breakfast for dinner, sloppy joes, chicken pesto, mac n cheese... I would go completely healthy but Kenny likes having a filling meal and is NOT a calorie counter...

Every morning I make myself 2 eggs with about 2 oz of cheese for breakfast... I eat Crackers, salami and cheese for snack and a sandwich for lunch.. I usually have breakfast with Jax at around 8:45-9am, snack at 11a and lunch at about 2pm... I decided to buy lots of leafy greens and vegetables to mix it up... Again, my approach is, if there is no easy crap food in the house, I wont eat it... lol Probably sounds weird right? 

Truth is, I am tired of feeling run down and I know its my food choices that are doing it to me.. I need more power food in my body instead of sleepy fatty foods... And seriously, my figure could really use some work.. I rarely get to work out since we've moved.. I try my best but if Kenny is tired then I'm home with the baby for the night and there is no way Jax will be content in the gym for more than 10 minutes.... And try doing aerobics on a wood floor while your baby tries to sleep.. not gonna work.. So I'm doing my best and offer myself a solid workout when I can... lol 
So I'm doing what works for me... And working out as often as I can and trying a new, realistic, eating regiment will hopefully help me feel a little better..  No juicing, no crash dieting for me.. I'm not against those options but they just couldnt work for someone who is a 24/7 mommy.. at least not yet... lol

What kind of meal regimen do you guys have? Any suggestions or ideas for a Stay at home Mom??

xoxo
SaraH
 

More than just a full time job... Full time life

So, I know the topics been beaten to death... "Being a stay at home mom is easy" Usually a comment made by a Man... lol

The purpose of this post isnt to take a stance on this, its simply to tell what being a stay at home mom is like for ME! Just wanted to make that clear....

I have always worked... From Hollywood Video to Home Depot... From a fitness trainer to a bartender... I've worked since I was 17 years old! While I was pregnant I was absolutely certain I was going to go back to work within 6 months of Jackson being born... I would say "Oh there's no way I would stay at home for 6 months, I would go crazy" (I was half right)

Now I swallow my very bold statement... 

While I have thought about part time work, I am often reminded how much I miss Jackson even when I just pop over to the store! He grows so much every day and I feel so very blessed that I can be here with him to catch every new coo, or watch him sitting up a little more steady every day... I cherish every moment because they truly are slipping by so quickly that it makes my heart ache! I LOVE waking up and knowing I get to hang out with my little man all day and help him develop and learn about the world around him...

That being said.... Being a SAHM (stay at home mom) is also very, very, very challenging!! Here's what I mean....

- I NEVER get a break...

- Showers are a luxury

- Makeup must be done in under 5 minutes

- I always have to be "on" for the baby

- Being tired is not an option

- Dont expect to be appreciated (Men just dont understand)

- It gets lonely

- It takes 3 hours to watch an hour long show

- Every thing takes an hour longer

- Any free moment is always a toss up between cleaning or eating

- I havent slept in in 6 months

- I NEVER have a good night sleep.  

- Entertaining a 6 month old all day is HARD WORK

Now dont get me wrong. This isnt a SAHM pity party... I'm just offering up the reality of what my days are like.. Seems so negative but there are great perks in the job!

- Catching every milestone

- Being able to take our time and not rush through the day

- Never having to miss him

- Being there when he needs to be held

- Having a routine

- Holding him whenever I want

The change from working woman to SAHM was difficult for me at first! To begin, Kenny used to work out of town for 5-7 days at a time so I was alone with the baby (and with no car) 24/7! It was incredibly nerve racking since at that time he was just brand new (as was I in the mommy role)... When I think back I dont know how I did it! 

Then Kenny started working back in town so he could be home every night and not miss out on time with Jackson! (thank God)! But its still very difficult when I'm home all day doing my "job" and then Kenny gets home from his job I often hope for a bit of relief but it rarely happens as Kenny is usually too tired to do too much.. Not so much during the week, but on the weekends he really just isnt motivated... Which is hard on me because as selfish as it may sound... I want some free time to say, watch a whole movie... Or catch up on some journaling... etc... 

Being a mom is truly a JOB... And there are no breaks when youre the main caretaker.. I've learned that the only way I can have time for myself is to work around Jacksons schedule.. And thats how my days are now... We have a routine and thats how we keep our sanity.. Here's a bit of how my day looks

*7:30am : Jax wakes up

*8am - 9am : Get Jax dressed, do dishes, fix coffee, fix both our breakfasts and eat breakfast together

*9am-10am: Shower and get dressed while Jax plays in his high chair (If Jax is in a good mood)

*10am-12p: Jackson naps. Watch Live with Kelly and Michael and start doing things on my to do list

*12p-2pm : Play time.. Usually tummy time, sitting up time, bouncey time etc...

*2pm : Lunch time for Mommy and Jax 

 *2:30p : Nap Time for Jax while I usually clean all his toys and maybe try to catch up on an episode of mad men or Greys

*3:30p : Wakes up and usually likes to cuddle a bit 

*4pm-5pm : Walk time (he usually gets another little nap in)

*5pm : Daddy comes home and usually takes him to watch the kids play little league next door while I cook dinner

*6pm : Everyone eats dinner

*6:30-7pm : Bath time, cuddle/story time and then bed by 8pm

obviously it doesnt always go that smoothly.. Jax has good days and he has awful days but I try to go along this schedule best i can... Also the first thing I do every morning is create a to do list... It helps my head stay clear so I'm not always thinking, oh I need to do this or oh I cant forget to do that... 

Most important thing that I do is just to give myself a break... emotionally.... No one can do it all and no mom is perfect.. Messes are allowed... Laundry can wait... Dirty dishes wont kill you... I just remember to enjoy the opportunity I have to be with my little boy and watch every second of his new little life...

Thanks for taking the time to read!

xoxo

SaraH

The Quest for the perfect Poo

   Oooohhhh you never know what this motherhood thing is going to throw at you next I'm tellin ya! Now this blog is gonna get, well, gross so here's my warning.. if you cant handle the poop, stay outta the diaper!

Never in my life did I ever think I would be so obsessed with poop! Smelling it, observing it, poking it, tracking it, studying it... Yes and this is on a daily basis! 

Its too stinky. Its not stinky enough. Its to watery. Its too dry. Its too green. Its not green enough. Its too dark. Is it supposed to be orange!? What are those specs? Why is it so soft? Why isn't there more? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH!? 

I'm not sure I'll ever decipher the perfect poop... Its a mystery for the generations past and future! But my poop journey began many moons ago when Kenny decided to buy the "cheaper" formula for Jackson...

We started Jax on Similac once I stopped breast feeding, but the gassy pains he had were unbearable to watch so I switched him to Nutramigen by Enfamil (sensitive tummy formula) and it was life changing for us!! Jackson wasnt as gassy (we also started using Dr. Browns bottles).. He was pooping regularly and his poop was consistently a sweet smelling yellowish color... But unfortunately the Nutramigen is the most expensive formula out there at $36 a pop! And at the rate our growing baby was eating it become too expensive, so Kenny suggested finding a cheaper alternative...

I was against the idea but did some research and decided to try Enfamil gentle ease... No poop for days.... 
Then we tried Similac again.... Watery, god awful poops every other day not to mention terrible farts that were painful for him
Next we went for Target brand... Which actually wasnt terrible but he still wasnt regular like he was on the Nutramigen..
Lastly I decided to try the wal-mart brand thinking "sometimes cheap stuff is the best kind!" I was wrong.. It was about as effective as the Target brand, still not regular... Needless to say we ended up back on the Nutramigen! I was so happy to see those happy poops again!

BBBBUUUTTTTT TTTHHHEEENNNN


Jax began eating solids... lol
Now that whole poop situation is just ridiculous! After getting terrified by the color of smell of these new poops (did you know his poop will actually turn orange after eating say carrots or sweet potatoes... freaky!) I was back to irregular poops! He was doing fine on the rice cereal but once veggies and fruits were introduced he was all off again!
I started him on Gerber 1st foods in the plastic containers, then switched to the jars (I dont know why, i thought it would help) But still his poops were irregular and ABSOLUTELY painful for him! And he would strain like crazy just to poop out a little egg of green silly putty! I felt awful...

Well, back to the drawing board... I was thinking I'm going to have to start making my own food for him, but I was so worried about having the time! Its such a huge undertaking to get that started especially to prepare in advance and freeze everything and portion, it was overwhelming to me.. So I decided to try Organic... 

I went out and bought Plum organics in the pouches... They are incredible! Amazing flavor combinations, easy to store and very inexpensive (They're usually on sale at Babies R Us)... Regular pooping, although it still gets some funky smells, the funk smells healthy... if that makes any sense...

Never thought Id be sitting in bed writing entire blogs about poop but this was my story.. and as a mom things like a funky baby poo can scare the crap out of you (no pun intended)
I hope this was informative, helpful or if nothing else, entertaining!!

See you tomorrow!!
xoxo
SaraH